Indian Missions Trip

So I submitted my application to go on the India Missions trip. I have had this overwhelming desire to go. I am a little fearful of the flight... okay alot but everytime I have flown I have been fine. I actually have to visualize myself getting on the plane a few times. I am not sure where the fear comes from, well I will be honest eversince Ryan (my ex) passed away I have fear of things I never feared. It is really weird I know, infact I hate it. I usually take an anti anxiety something before flying. I am not afraid of dying but I am afraid of leaving my girls behind. So anyways I dont want that fear to stop me from a life changing experience. I am not sure how in the world I will come up with the money...but I will. So please keep me in your prayers...pray that Gods will be done. Okay that was stupid, his will, will be done. Anyways if I am able to go..start praying that I wont have fear of the flight. The devil is somthing isint he, I mean who does he think he is. Here I am wanting to talk about the India trip and he has me starting to think about the flight and get fear set in.
So I have been on a missions trip before and it was to Mexico and I remember crying when it was time to come home. Although it was all poverty I wanted to stay. I remember we set out a bucket of apples for the kids and they were gone in no time and I remember telling my mom you know if we did that in America the bucket would sit there full. Then we had a bunch of ribbons and we didnt know what to do with it until someone said lets braid the girls hair and put ribbons in it, so we did. They loved it and were so proud. It was such an amazing experience and perfect for a 15 year old. It really showed me what life was about and how material things were just that materials with no substance. I encourge you to get involved volunteer somewhere, it does not have to be india or Mexico and can be at a local elementary school reading to kids. Just do it, trust me all are blessed in the situation.

You know what makes me so angry....

OKay I am not exactly what made me think of this but there is this church that I would drive past on my way to work and home everyday, while I was working in elkhart and in the front yard of the church there was a cross and it said Abortion Babies. Okay I have never had an abortion and I am not infuriated (sp?) at the people who have, not one bit. It is not for me to judge, God forgives them and he wants them to forgive themself, he doesnt want them to feel guilt or hurt or shame......YET this church has this cross that says its in memory of babies who die due to abortion. Really what is the point...to make people feel bad for what they have done, its an ugly reminder. It really ticks me off, many of times I wanted to stop and tear it down or run it over, I had also thought of going in the church and asking if they have heard of forgivenss?? Or calling and giving them a peice of my mind. It really makes me mad because I dont want women who have gone through this to keep living feeling guilty, they dont need these ugly reminders!!!!!!!!!

please pray for this family..

A young man by the name of Scott Merkel has left eath to be with God. Though his life is over on earth and he is probably gettin down in heaven. He has left behind a wife by the name of Amanda and a little girl by the name of lexie who is just 5. Please pray for comfort and peace and strength for this family as the time is tough and it will never be easy but that in their times of trouble they turn to Jesus for comfort.

Scott Merkel 1976-2008 a Berrien Springs High school 95 graduate. A husband, and father a son a friend.

My heart is broken for his daughter and his wife and although I do not know him or his family we are just seperated by mutual friends. My mind was going crazy what can I do to help, what can I do to help?? I can only do what I know is best and give all that I have prayer.

Father God please wrap your loving arms around this family, give them peace in their time of despair, give them joy in their sorrows. Remind them that life on earth is temporary and that they will one day meet again. Give this mother the strength to get up in the mornings. Let your light shine. Father God just let them know they are not alone. Thank you for answering all of our prayers and for being a God of Mercy and Grace and of love and compassion. In YOUR name I pray.

To tell the truth

WOW, I am watching that new telvision show about telling the truth. Man is the devil laughing when he watches that one. I happened to tune into it tonight and there was a lady about in her thirties I would say and sh was working on a hundred thousand and they had her ex boyfriend come out to ask a question. So the EX asked "do you think I am the man your suppose to be married to"? mind you her husband is sitting right there, so she answers yes and she was telling the truth. OKay they have previously asked her these questions and had her hooked up to a lie detector test. So in this she is shattering her husbands heart, maybe their marriage and then she has to make the choice to move on or not. If she decides to move on then she must answer three questions to get two hundred thousand. So she chooses to go on and she must answer her first question...

Have you ever had sexual relations with another man since you have been married?" She answers yes and it is the truth. This show at this point has made me more than mad..but most of all what comes next........
Her second question.................do you feel like you are a bad person? she answers no but I can tell by the look in her eyes, the pain you see in them she does feel like she is a bad person. But she says she feels like she is a good person. The voice from nowhere answers FALSE. Hmmm makes you think she wanted to lie about how she felt, had she answered it correctly she would have had two hundred thousand dollars. But instead she walked away now in a "more" broken marriage and the whole world knowin that she has stolen, lied, cheated. Yet my heart aches for her because she is not a bad person she just has made stupid choices. Her choices dont define her, they just are dumb choices. What in the world this show was designed to hurt people. I hope this show fails and is taken off the air. I WILL NOT WATCH IT AGAIN!!!!!

So today at church,

the message was about basically managing your money and also what you put your trust in God or Money???? I can say that I dont have trust in money and I dont lean on it. funny the message was, what it was because on my way to church this morning I am driving saying God I am not sure how my bills are going to get paid but I know that you will provide. I mean no joke. I currently have no job and left my previous job becuase it was tearing my spirit down and not to mention by the time I got home I had two hours at night with my daughters. I turned down the postions at Madison center because they were second and third shift. I would never see my kids. I out my family first and I am not willing to sacrafice that and I am not willing to work Sundays or Thursday nights or Tuesday nights. Those are my growing nights and my commitment I have made to God. So today on my way to church I get my electric bill of .. I think 235 or somthing along with all kinds of junk mail that came yesterday. I litterly put in $5 of gas on my card and $2 of gas in change. I think I may have 30 cents or so. I have no job and I have an electric bill that needs to be paid, rent will be coming up on March 15th and I am not sure how God is going to do it. I really need a job and have filled out application after application and turned in resumes. Am I going to have to sacrafice the hours I am willing to work? funny thing is I may actually be in the negative because when I went to get gas this morning they had a sign that said Credit Card or Debit Card purchases must be $5 wouldnt you know it. I honestly had $4.99 so will the bank charge me the 37.50 overdraft charge??? I guess I could have stayed home...but I just know that a job is going to come and that God is going to provide for me.
So all this brings me back to budget???? right now I just need money to pay my bills. These are the times I wish I had done things the right way, like going to college and then get married then have kids. I just wish that I had the money to just go to school full time and get it done and then get a job.


God I dont lean on money, I am leaning on you and to be honest it's all I know to do. You have always provided for me and all though I do not know how it may come or who may come calling I know that, that job will come. You are so faithful and through out my life and the many let downs I have been through from people here on this earth, you have never. Thank you for everything you have blessed me with and thank you for the blessings you are working on now.

whats his plan..whats my desire....

Last night I went to this annual event called Warm Winters Evening, it is at held at the Mendel Center. It is a night of dinner and desert and there is a speaker. Last year I wasnt able to go and it was Lori Salerno and this year it was Kerri Pomerolli (sp?). She gave a great testimoney and it is a brilliant comedian. It was a great night of laughter, with a theme of laugh out loud. Doesn't it feel great to laugh. I am so lucky I think because I come from a family wo is always cracking up. Anyhow, it was a great evening and I cant wait until next year.
You know she shared her testimony of how she got to where she is and she asked us what does God want us to do? You know I have such an overwhelming feeling when I see people finnaly discover they matter to Christ or when I see good things happen to people. But I do feel that so many women feel unworthy of Christs love for them. They think that what they have done in their lives are too big or too bad. My dreams are that maybe one day I can travel around and share my testimony and how I accpeted Gods forgiveness. I am on that path right now and its not easy, it is like I have to daily say to myself "now Miki your sins have been forgiven, reach out and accept it". I love the way Karrie put it last, she was talking about how her friend had invited her to church and she went, more or less for the pot luck following... lol. But while she was in church when they were singing she found herself begin to cry and cry, on the way home her friend said "Karrie do you beleive in Jesus?" she was like yeah, duh and then she said "Do you know Jesus died on the Cross?" and then she was like yeah doesnt everyone and she was also wondering where this was going. She then said her friend said "Did you know Jesus died on the cross to save you from you?" HUH..... "To save you from your sins".
I just love that how her friend said to save her from herself, I mean really that is where my problems in life have formed, nobofy else is to blame except for me. No I am not saying that it's okay for men to use and abuse women, however what I am saying is that I set my stadards so low that it made it easy for them. Infact because I had no boundaries set for myself I was very appealing to controlling men. However saying all that, it leads me to what I want to do is just go and share my testimony, I want to share God's word. When I was in junior high youth group I remember having these visions in my head where I was speaking hundreds of people, but I didnt really know them what I would have talked about...yes God but what was I passionate about. Now I know I really want to reach out to women...from teens to young adult to older women.

God please use me, make me strong. I want to grow closer and closer to you. I want share my story to help lead broken hearts to healing. I want to show people of your wonderful gracea and forgiveness. Use me. I want to give me whole self to you. I completley surrender!

My HEART ACHES...

I cannot express the anguish that my heart feels everyday. Although my heart is healing and i am forgiving. The pain is for my daughter Kyleigh, can you imagine living in the same town as your father and him wanting nothing to do with you. I just dont understand it and my heart aches more and more. I just pray that God changes his heart, that he be there for his daughter. I could never be with him again but I still want him to be there for his daughter. I am tired of hearing people say that she is probably better off without him and I politly agree. I mean honestly who is better off without having their father? Or they say she has plenty of people that love her..yes she does but she still needs the love of her father. For McKenzie it was always easy, you know her dad lives in Texas so she just says he lives far far away. As I sit here with tears running down my face I wonder why??? and beg God to change him. I know that he has to want it.
As I sit here so heartbroken for my daughter who's father rejects her I wonder how Mary must have felt that day to see her son crucified on the cross. I have been through alot in my life and would go through all of it all over again if I could save my daughter from the rejection she will feel one day. It's in the pit of my stomach it makes me litteraly sick, there is nothing my daughter could do to deserve this, I guess maybe what God thinks about us... There is nothing we could ever do to not deserve his love. We are his children and we are worth the effort. It makes me so sad it makes me angry. I know waht rejection feels like it hurts, it steals, it somtimes kills. It has been my downfall throughout my life. Rejection in school led me to feel ugly, so I found what I thought made me feel pretty, dancing. It wasnt until after I quit dancing and a couple years later what dancing did to me. It put my self worth at sex appeal, so because that is the way men viewed me, thats how I began to feel, like that was what I was worth. i excepted being treated like used goods and (excuse the phrase) blowup doll to be used and thrown to the side. Then after my ex cheated on me and months of emotional and physical abuse, I left it all. I left it all feeling rejected, and useless. Now with Tim this last time I leave it all behind feeling rejected. How do I end this horrible cycle??? I guess the only relevation I have come to is that I cannot change how other people act, but I can change how I allow them to treat me. I can burn it deep down in my daughters that they matter, that they are worth more, I can teach them to set boundaries, to gaurd their heart. I can teach them to put God first and if they know they matter then they wont allow friends, or boys, or men or their fathers tell them otherwise. THEY MATTER, I MATTER. I pray that I can lead my daughters by example and to stop this ugly cycle that my mother has felt and that I have felt.

Job Hunting...

So I am still currently looking for job. I have been doing the applications and submitting resume thing however not much yet. I did have an interview at the Madison Center in South Bend and I was offered two positions. However the mental health technician acute was only hiring second and third shift and daytreatment hours were 10-7. I just cant do those I would never see my kids and I cant sacrafice that. However they are going to keep my application just in case first ship has an opening and they are also sending a copy to another department for another position. I had a slight moment of discouragement. Then it was like I heard in my head, dont get discouraged have I ever failed you. So I am not worried I am trusting that the right job is going to come around. It is kinda sad that I have to go back to working, I have loved staying home with daughters. I honestly believe that it is a blessing that I have been able to be with the girls for the last month. Please continue to pray for that job for me.

My no television days are over...maybe,,,,

So last was the last night that I would be fasting my television. So instead of going back to turning my tv on when I wake up (for background noise), I have decided that I am not tuning it on unless there is a show I feel I really want to see. Those come on usually at 9 or 10 so that means after the girls are asleep.

Since I have shut the tv off....

I have seen McKenzie move from the tv to her room and really play.

I have really spent more time playing with my girls, myself.

I have spent more time in prayer and reading my Bible.

I AM LEARNING how to cope with silence.

I hear God speak more clearly.

I am learning discipline and Obediance.



Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God"

So last night McKenzie and I made a tent with blankets and the dining table. We played games in our tent, had snacks, read stories and sang silly songs. So I stepped out of myself. If you know me then you know I have a hard time having anything in my house not in its correct place and almost everything has a place. But I didnt worry about it and we had a great time. McKenzie kept telling me how much fun she was having. Tonight we are going to paint our nails and watch the little mermaid together. Anyhow, I have realized what I could be doing with my time rather than watching so much television. I missed the meeting for the India trip, so hopefully I can still find out more about it and hopefully have the oppotunity to go. I am just so excited with all that God is doing. 2008 is a year of great things coming my way!!!

Confirmation

last night at church was very weird for me. When I first went into the service to find my seat and sit down I had a nervous feeling in my stomach but tried to ignore it. I then went to find a seat and ended up sitting in the second row two seats down from a reserved seat. As I am sitting there (before service starts) I continue to have an even more nervous feeling. Then the person that winds up sitting down in the reserved seat is security. Okay let me clarify somthing before I go any further. It is very common for a church of our size to have security for the safety of the us the church. No they do not wear yellow shirts with the words security across the back. In fact if you didnt know we had security you may have just thought this guy was erally dressed up and happens to be packing (carrying a gun). So anyhow.... the fear that has set in to me now for some reason went into overtime. I was having these horrible thoughts going through my head, that something bad was going to happen. The fear was so great that I had started to think that I should leave. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go downstairs, pick up the girls and get the heck out of there. However that same fear kept me in my seat. Needless to say I stayed and Jason had eventually gone up and begun to preach. Now if you dont know already we have been learning about the ten commandments at church and last night he taught on "Thou shalt not kill". He also spoke on anger. But the raelly weird thing is he talked about cuttting something out of his life so that he had more time to spend with God, Quiet time. So he says.... I know this may seem childish but for me it is the television that I cut out of my life. Okay talk about jaw drop to the floor. Considering this is exactly what I have been praying about this past week and that I cut tv out of my life. I was fasting tv. For me it was confirmation that what I was doing was right. It was just like Gods way of saying your on the right track!
So now I wonder were my thoughts of fear because the devil didnt want me to hear that message and he was counting on me reacting to my fear and thoughts of getting up and leaving?? God is so amazing and he speaks in so many ways, last night I heard confirmation from him, that I was on the right track.

Growing more and more each day!

Hey guys! I am still fasting my television and I am shocked that I am able to do it. Dont let me give the wrong impression, it has not been easy for me. Infact at night is when I find it the hardest, once the girls go to bed and it is super quiet. I begin to feel lonely and then depressed. You see it's kinda why I quit drinking, or I should say partly. I found that I would go to the bar to have a drink when I was really mad or lonely and super depressed. I was turning my problems over to alcohol, hoping that it would solve them. I realized that was a problem, I realized I should be turning to God. So I guess still instead of surrendering to God in these times, yeah I would turn to him but I would try to mask my problem with watching television. So needless to say it has been hard.
I am involoved in a small group at church in which we are reading this book Boundaries. We are also watching these 10 mintue segments each week from the authors of the book. This last week we also watched a previous sermon segment that Rob Wegner did and it really made me think and then a BRAVE lady, whose name I will not disclose spoke on this subject a little and how it affected her. It was about expectations. Really what I took from it is that expectations is a loose loose situation, both people usuallu end up dissatisfied. For the person trying to fill the expectations, they may feel like a loser, incompetnet or what not and for the person with the expectations I think it really comes down to dissatisfaction and anger. I realized this is what I am doing to my four year old and in several ways. I expect way to much from her, things that four year olds and not even most 10 year olds are expected to do. Because I am always on her on her on her about these expectations, I think I am rasing her to feel "not good enough". Gosh you dont know how this upset me because if you know me, you know that this is a struggle of my own that came after my first bad relationship with her father. Now I am always making sure eveything is always in place, house vaccumed everyday, I have to be the perfect mommy which means I must be room parent, soccer team mom, be at every dance practice, lets not forget that I am single so I am also working full time (not currently) and going to school. I am actually doing better latley with all this because I recognized this to be a problem but I didn't recognize all the expectations for McKenzie that I was holding her to and how that might affect her. Might I add that I have a few single mommy friends and just friends that are mommies and what was I telling them by my actions. Well the underlying message was that to be a good mom they must do all this. I dont really think that they have to do all these things and be perfect to be good mommies, infact these were just standards that I was holding myself to. But what else might it look like to them.
I am working on me, downsizing me. Let me be the first to say, IT IS NOT EASY. But I am learning. Learning to lean on him, learning to surrender completly, learning to let go somtimes. I will get there!!!! Let me just share that Rob talked about how these expectations should be desires, because if you desire these things rather than expect them then you are happy when they get done and I think then youll show gratitude for them being done unlike expectations. When people expect somthing to get done they dont usually show thanks because their mind setting is that they dont need to thank them because it is something that they should be doing. WRONG. Let me also say that positive reinforcement and showing your gratitude shoudl not end once we become adults. Even as adults we need to hear that we are doing a good job and that what we do is appreciated.

The woman at the well

So I am still reading the book "Messy Spirituality" and I am about half way through the book and while all of what I read so far is great, I just read chapter 4. Chapter 4 is about rejection and I really connected with this chapter because rejection is somthing that I face and fear. Although throug my journey I am finding how much I matter to God and I KNOW that he has forgiven me of my past I am not sure I am allowing it. I know it sounds funny its like if someone were to offer you a give and you say yeah thanks but you can keep it. I know my life matters to Christ I know I have purpose and in most ways I have accepted Christs forgivness. However when it come to dating and guys, I still find it hard to think that I can a have a "Godly Man, Christ follower" I just feel like there is no way they are going to want me. I am "used goods" and I think that there is no way they are going to want to take on me and my girls, they will want to form a family of their own. I know that I am on my to healing through it though because I use to just date whoever because I felt unworthy of anything good of a man who was shaped in Christs image, a man who loved me and made me the prize (2nd to God of course). I have always felt like the runner up, the consolation prize. You know should the winner not be able to fulfill her duties and live to the expectations then I was good enough. Now I am not willing to settle and although I have a hard time thinking that I am deserving, I now have hope. Because I have hope I am not willing to settle for anything less. Does this mean I am healing? Am I that woman at the well?? Yes!!! God has forgiven me and he knows my heart and it's desires. I am praying that I learn how to accept Gods forgiveness. I know my heart, God knows my heart and my hearts desire is to honor him.

Again if you didnt catch the book I was reading it is "Messy Spirituality" By;Michael Yaconelli and the Story of the woman at the well comes from John 4. In chapter four of Messy Spirituality they talk of this story.

In Tune

WOW WOW WOW that is really all that I can say. So I bought this book that Kathy recommended at Turning Point and it is great. First off it is so easy to read and understand. Secondly it just tells me that I am in tune with God, something that I have said to family and friends always was that "I am work in progress until the day I die" and I think that I mentioned that in my last blog. How crazy that I have never ever heard anyone say it like that before then I pick up this book "Messy Spirituality" that I bought on Tuesday and I began to read it and wouldnt you know it, the author says basically the same thing we are "work in progress". My thoughts of imperfectness and I am not good enough and that I must fix me before I turn to God is exactly what this book is about. I am so happy and grateful that Kathy recommended this book. I have so much learning and growing to do and the best way for me to fight to keep the things that are toxic out of my life is to dive into Gods word and to just grab up every book I can to help grow. It feels so AMAZING to be in tune with where God is leading me and to be growing. I feel like I cannot get enough. Now I dont want to give a misunderstanding, I dont want you to think that I wake up singing, Oh happy day and life is just perfect and easy. The reality is it is difficult I fight temtations daily like running up town to the bar to see my friends, or to change the radio station to somthing oter than christian music, and fear that I wont find a new job and I wont be able to pay my bills and I do get lonely. But it is so much easier being led by Christ. Oh and you can listen to stuff other than Christian music, that is just personal conviction of mine presently. However I am not saying it will be easy but I am saying it will be easier if you just get in tune with God!!!

Oh I forgot to give you the book info : Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli

Best Friend

Have you ever had a friend that you were so close to that you spent almost everywaking moment with them? Or you even began to fishish one anothers sentences?? How about picking up on their lingo???? Well I have infact it even seems that people somtimes say that they notice people begin to look like there best friend. So imagine this you begin each day with talking to God you spend time listneing to the music that glorifies his name and really diving into his word. Before you know it when friends come to you with problems you are referenceing the bible. So do you think that soon you may reflect Christs image. Do you think that people may see Christ through you?? It's amazing how in tune you can get, if you really SURRENDER (give your whole self) to Christ. It just amazes me how awesome God is. I posted Tuesday morning and Tuesday night at Turning Point the Video was like exactly what my post was about. For me it was a confirmation that I was on the right track and that I was do what Christ planned for my life. If you have been reading my blogs you will know that Tim my youngest daughters father has caused much hurt in my life (no it is not all his fault) and that I at first was very bitter and that I prayed for God to punish him, rather than for his healing and for him to find Christ. Tonight at Church they were teaching on the 5th commandment (wow I almost said ammenment lol). Honor Thy Mother and Father and I think that parents who are seperated and divorced need to remember this one to because how can our children honor the commandments when we dont. So as you may have read, my prayers have been for my ex and for my daughter that he would find Christ and he would have healing but that no matter what happens to him that God help me to be a loving mother so that I can raise my daughter to stand by her fathers side no matter what. Tonight confirmed that I was doing what I needed to do but also brought new light as to why I should. Yes there is still pain there, pain for my daughter who is experienceing rejection from such a young age and from her father. Rejection is something that I have always had a fear of and felt hurt from and it just tears me apart for my daughters. The more I follow Gods plan and stay on his path for my life the eaiser it gets.

My life before my eyes

Today I had some grocery shopping to do and so I went to walmart early in the day because I knew that it was suppose to get nasty outside and I didnt want to be out in it. Well needless to say I had gone outside after shopping and what was rain was now sleet. Well McKenzie was at school so I only had Kyleigh, I hurried and got her in the car and got in running with the heat on and got all my groceries into my car. I was about home I was on US 31 and well I was at about long lake road in Berrien Springs and I was going about 35 cause the roads were so bad. All of a sudden I began to hydroplane (spelling?). I went into the other lane and then attempted to get back in my lane because I saw cars down the way coming. As I tried to get into my lane my car did a 360 (I spun) I was in the other lane spinning and then I was going off the road into a ditch. I just remeber thinking please God dont let anything happen to me or my baby. I missed a telephone pole by about 2 feet and went into the ditch. I have a feeling that had I been going any faster I would have flipped. Okay there are a few things that I want to point out... okay one usually, like two months ago my first reaction would have been oh sh** or somthing bad but today it was please God keep me and my baby safe. Two when we finally stopped I was like thank you God for protecting us and the third is Kyleigh was still sleeping. God has in angels around us because if you know 31 you know people go fast it is busy and there have been many accidents on this road. Thank you to Dean Froehlich (sp?) for coming to pull us out which litterly took about 4 minutes. I just thank God for his saftey and for his angels he had around us. It shook me up, I cried cause I was so happy we were okay but it scared the life out of me. I was so worried about Kyleigh. For those of you up here around all this messy snowy cold weather, stay warm and keep safe.

My not so perfect life

Those of you who have been following my posts or who have the unlucky honor of rambling on the phone with me for hours already know how I am learning how to come to terms that I am not and will not be perfect. Trying to be perfect always seemed like somthing that I had been longing to try to be. Which meant I had to mask all of my "mistakes" or I had to atleast try to act as if I was perfectly strong and that they didnt bother me. Well in the need to try to be perfect I found myself very dicouraged, stressed and depressed. Now that I realize that God is not asking me to be perfect and that I am ot going to be, I have focused more on just trying to be the best me I can. I have realized I cant have everything I want, my house can not always have fresh vacume lines in the carpet (really I have a one year old and a almost five year old) and that growing takes time. Because I realize these things I have found that I have become more content with who I am. I mean really I am the kind of person that everything has a spot and needs to be in that spot and I get great anxiety when I go to bed at night knowing things are not in their place and it all stems because I want to be in control. But I am not in control God is and that is the great thing about it. I know I can trust God that he will take care of me and my family. So I am learning to let go of trying to be the one in control and trying to be perfect. Since I have come to this "AHA" moment I have found my relationship with Christ growing, I have stopped worrying so much and doing so I have heard more clearly from God. So in my not so perfect life I have found happiness, and even more faith. I have found my perfect life and it is settling on the fact that I CAN NOT be perfect and I am okay with that.

A little about myself

Hmmm well let me start with the basics. My favorite colors are pink and purple. My favorite numbers are 7, 14, 21, 77. I have two beautifull girls who are my life. I am far from perfect and have come to the realization that I will never be perfect. However saying that like you I was perfectly made by God. I posted some of my old posts on here so that you kinda get a sense of who I am. My life has been a mess at times and I have been lost at times. But by the grace of God I am clean and I am found. I lived in Texas for 12 years. I have been in love twice and had my heart broken twice (okay broken by guys twice). I love hearing stories about others peoples lives and to hear how they have overcome obstacles in their lives. You may hear me say that my passion is people. You may hear me say "I am a peice of work in progress until the day that I die." I have a wonderful family and amazing friends who have been an amazing support system to me throughout my life. My primary goal in my life is to live my life for Christ to be an example, to live in his image. Let me just tell you I have lived a life of parties with drugs and alcohol I have in the past lived a life of sexual impurity. But I am on the path that God has paved for me. Does that mean life has become perfect? No but with his guide it has made it eaiser. So I hope that through my expression of writing you will get something as I do from reading about others. Writing for me is a release, I love to write and go back a few years later and read where I have been, how far I have come and also you can learn from the things that you done by going back and reading what you wrote from that time. So here starts a new journey.!!!!!!

Previous Posts

I have been blogging for sometime on my myspace and prior to that my xanga. However to readmy blogs, you had to be a member. I have decided to create a blogspace. So here it is, I am going to begin by sharing some old blogs. so here it is, this is me.



Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Forgiveness... Current mood: inspired
You know I like many have lived my life thinking that forgiveness was for the person I was forgiving so that they could go on in life so that they could be let free. I have found through out the years and I am still finding that forgiveness is for ME or for self. If we dont forgive we harbor anger and sadness and hold grudges and we feel those pains and those feelings. For instance I have been very hurt and mad at both of my daughters fathers because they show either no or little interest in their daughters. I have thought about revenge (NO I dont mean anything I would do). I would pray God punish them for what they have done. Forgivenssbegins when you realize those prayers are to change your heart and your hurts and to heal you, also when those prayers are that they may find Christ and that they will change so that one day they can be fathers to their daughters. For those of you who do not know, Kyleighs dad has MS and I saw it as a way he was going to get back what he had done to me and other women he has hurt and his daughters, infact I was praying that God would make it come faster. Now my prayers are that he finds God again and changes his ways and becomes a good dad and that if he doesnt that I raise a daughter with so much love from God OUR FATHER that when he is no longer capable of moving and constrained to his bed or in the hospital that she will be loving and caring and be by his side when he needs her despite the fact that he was not around. That my heart be changed so that I will lovingly be the one to drive her back and forth and take my part. I now see that as my prayers have changed my heart is changing. NO I am not automatically happy about the situation and not that I dont have hurts but that I am in the process of forgiving him and through that it is healing my broken heart. So while I thought he was the one with all the problems (dont get me wrong I am sure he has some), I too had my own issues. I know how easy it is to say and how you may be at the point in your life where you think there is NO WAY you can forgive but trust me you can, and for the sake of yourself you should.
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Friday, January 25, 2008
Chick Flick Ladies
So I went with my Couzin Brooke and my one of my Best friends Steph to see 27 dresses. It was such a cute movie and I recomend every girl go to see it and guys want to make your ladies happy take them. There are so many chick flicks coming out right now like the PS I LOVE YOU, I want to see that one and then that one with Kate Hudson and Matthew Mcc (sp??? I better learn since that will be my last name one day. LOL) anyways I love chick flicks and why?? Cause they give hope and put a smile on your face. That is why women love them. People love things that show hope and show love. Its a proven fact that people want things that encourage the idea that dreams come true... why do you think that American Idol is the biggest hit show. People like to see normal people like them do good. Very few people want to see and hear about all the hate.
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Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Our Broken World
We are living in a world that seems to be so broken and it very evident every time you turn on your tv. With the stories of addiction from Lindsey Lohan and Nicole Richie to Paris Hilton with lives that are slowly dying away from lonliness and they feel great despair. Just look at the cries of Brittney Spears and even if she doesnt realize it they are screams of help. I was watching a new television show at home that is called celebrity rehab and most of the stories from these celebrities was those of loss and lonliness that led them to addiction. With the death of Anna Nicole and her son and now the recent death Heath Ledger we can begin to see that, one- they are just like the rest of us and two- that money and fame does not fill any void. It wont grant you happiness and it wont take away the lonliness. Okay I can hear some people thinking it... so regular people deal with this stuff. yeah your right and what do most people think? If I only had more money, If everyone loved me, If I was an american icon I would be happy. But the answer is no that you would not. In fact I think at times it may be harder on these celebrities because they dont know who to turn to and who to trust they can buy anything they want and then they realize they are still not happy. So then what?? What can they turn to???
So here is the first time I am going to be blunt on here. There is one person you can always count on who is always there to listen and doesnt care where you have been and what you have done. Nothing you have done could ever make his love for you any less. That is God and sometimes if you have not decided that you beleive or that you want to live your life following his plan. Or you may think that you have to make all these changes and to be honest you dont want to, because it will be hard and it will be a change and you realize that there are things in your life that are "toxic" but you enjoy those things now. Guess what I have a secret its okay. You can decide to make that choice to follow him right now, who you are where your at. He will meet you where you are. Dont worry about changing who you are but just see what he can do for you. Sure life will still be hard. There is this great website that does daily devotionals. In your search engine just type in Purpose Driven Life Daily Devotionals. You can set it up to come to your email daily and they are short. If you enjoy reading my blogs you will love reading these devotionals.
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Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Thanks
So many time I find myself praying and saying "God I am not sure how in the world I am going to make rent next month but I know you have that taken care of". I am giving thanks to God and relying on my faith. It's like I metioned in the last blog, it is thanking him not only for what he has done but what he is doing and what he is going to do. Somtimes we have no clue how "that bill" is going to be taken care of but if we sit and worry about it are we having faith that God is in control no. So begin to thank him for what he is going to do and you may find at first you dont really know if it will be, but hey what can it hurt to try. You will begin to see remarkable changes you will begin to see how your prayers are answered (and god always kneweverything would be okay it was you doubting). It becomes routine and you realize that he does answer our prayers and that it is really out of our hands. Your prayer then becomes so authentic. Really I mean how else could I manage... I mean if it was not for the help from God. I am a single mother and with a pay wage close to minimum. With only one of my daughters fathers paying child support. It's with his help. So I give thanks even when I have no clue how it will be done. But the worry is not mine cause he says to cast your burdens on him. So I give Thanks for all he does and is doing.
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Monday, January 21, 2008
In the silent darkness....
I have had so many friends as well as myself go through such tough times in our life not just mentally and emotionally but finacially and physically. I hear my friends say what I myself was wondering "God, why do you let me fall so hard? Why cant life just be easier?" Well have you ever been at your witts ends, at the end of your rope so lonely that you wanted to die and so stressed that you did not think that you would ever make it out of the rut you are in. Like myself my friends would really see God's light and hear him more clear than ever. Its that silent voice that you dont take the time in your crazy life to hear so when everything else around you seems to be failing you cry out..."God I need you now more than ever" sometimes it's in such despair that we wait we listen and then we hear his word. We are reminded that even though we will walk through the valley of the shadow of death he is there. He is always there! So its in the silent darkness that his light shines ever so bright and his word is more heard than ever. I know for myself it is something that I am learning to do routinly, to listen to God to speak to him always not only when I am at my depths of despair. It's learning to thank God for what he has done and what he is doing. Its thanking him for the blessings he has in store that you have no idea about. Dont wait for those moments of despair make it your daily routine to turn to him.
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Saturday, January 19, 2008
Janurary 19th 2008 Current mood: thankful
Just sitting at home, enjoying the time off from working. Life is going pretty good and I have pretty high spirits consideing the events that have taken on through out the last year. I guess that is what happens when you doing life the way God intended you to. Of course you will have trials, and as cliche as it sounds. What does not kill you will only make you stronger. The girls and I went to get our pictures taken yesterday and they turned out really great. Kyleigh, my serious daughter did not want to crack a smile. She is so serious around people other than myself and McKenzie and my mom. But she says so many words and the doctor says she is extremely advanced. Like this morning McKenzie was coloring with her and McKenzie said Circle and Kyleigh said "Circle" and she says, Kenzie and Mama and Baby and Bottle and Night Nigh and BU Bye and up an down and Hi and so many other words. McKenzie is reading and I dont think she even realizes it. She is such a mini mommy to Kyleigh and is a wonderful big sister. God has big plans for my life and I think that you will all begin to see them through out this next year. I am really wanting to write a book, however I am just in the prayer stage of how God wants me to write it. We will see. Anyways, I really am wanting to make trip down to Texas this year I miss it there so much the food and place to go, my friends. THE WEATHER! All though right now it is beautiful here with the snow, and exciting!!! I am so blessed with wonderful family and I am not just talking about daughters and my parents and sisters, but granparents, aunts and uncles and couzins!!!!! I have so many great friends and a handful of amazing best friends and I just want to say THANKS!
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Saturday, January 12, 2008
Storm, aftermath .... then comes cleanup!
When the storm comes aftermath is sure to follow and then cleanup. I a in the cleanup stage and because the storm came and my house was built on rock cleanup comes pretty easy. Sometimes I think that many people see the storm and the aftermath and they thing that the mess is too big to cleanup.The truth is that there is no mess to big for God. Sometimes we just figure that the mess has been made and there is no way and be cleaned up. The truth is that storm comes and in that moment we feel like the world is crashing kind of like a tornando, have you ever gone through a town that has had a disaster? After the commnity comes together they work together to cleanup the aftermath. While the community cleans up sure there is still evidence that a disaster has striked but now, the community shows love and togetherness like no other. There is healing and the community is "made new". In our lives we have the same opportunity to be "made new" after our own mistakes, our lifes disasters. In the Bible it states that we are to remain in sexual purity until we marry. I never quite understood why and never obeyed it. Its not until now that I know why this rule of remaining sexually abstenent (sp?) is in place. Throughout my storm (disobediance from God) something beautiful came, my two beautiful daughters, they were the quick aftermath results of the storm but the longer term aftermath, the hurt and pain remained for a long time. However I have chosen to start over to be "made new" I have decided to ask for forgivness and remain abstinent until marriage. I have been made new and sure there will still be areas of my life that I need to clean up, but thats what happens when the storm is over.
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Thursday, January 10, 2008
Free at last and washing my hands clean!!! Current mood: pure
Has there ever been someone or somthing that just seemed to tear you down and when you were down they stomped on you. You know what makes a person tear someone down and always find things and nit pick at you until they have you down on the ground, insecure people and people very starved for attention. I have been debating leaving my job for some time now because my boss has said so many things to me that have torn my spirit down, had me questioning the kind of worker I was and made me dread mon-fri. However not any longer!!! I have worked at several places in my life and at the majority of them I have been promoted to assistant manager of manager, I have always given over a hundred percent and I can honestly say that everyone of my previous managers would have nothing but good to say and would hire me back in an instant. Okay so I am going off subject... I had told her this past wednesday, after she approached me in a rude way, that I was going to be leaving MITO CORP and the reason being was her (that is summing it up cause a lot more was said.) Anyways my plan was then to write a long lenthy letter to explain to our vice president and our human resources manager what she does and how far work it is. However I wont, I wont stoop to her level I will write her a letter explaining how she has made me feel and why I am leaving but that I forgive her. She was someone who was a friend prior to this and someone who goes to my church. I recall her saying in the beginning though, that she keeps the two seperate; friendship and work. Let me remind some and tell others.... I always thought this way to but the more I grow closer to Christ the more I realize that they are not seperate and that in everything we do we should look to God and that it is one life that we live not seperate lives. We need to live our lives in Christs image across the board, not just when we are at church or with our church friends. When you decide that you want to follow Christ and live for him you are to surrender to him compltely and and surrendering is not just giving parts of your life and saying..... okay God here you can be in my home life and my church life but when it comes to work and friends, I think I will keep that to myself . NO surrender is giving your all, everypart , even the parts that you dont want to give. So because now I must be obediant to God and what I am suppose to do and let it go be free and wash my hand clean, because I have surrendered and not to my boss but to God. No its not easy, but it was never said that it would be.
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