My Baby KYLEIGH!!!!!

Before you know it your babies are toddlers. Where does time go?? Kyeligh is such a beautiful smart little girl. With sooo much spunk. She still looks just like her dad... kinda sad. But she is still as cute as a button. Her 2nd birthday went great we had about 40 friends and family here. She wasnt soo much about opening the presesnts she just wanted to watch Shrek. (one her favorites other than the Bee movie) She blew out her candle so quick we had to relight it so that we could catch it on camera. She is such a mommies girl and yet she is Mike's little tag along buddie. She adores him. She can be quite the fiesty one... beats up McKenzie and then says SORRY and loves on her. She loves having both of her Sissys here (cali and McKenzie) She just wants to be where they are and do what they are doing. Kyeligh has changed my life in so many ways.... and I mean more that just keeping me on my toes. My baby is TWO and I just cant beleive it. Before you know it they are off to Kindergarten. This is my tribute to my smart, beautiful, baby girl! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

The Psalm's!!!

It all started with Psalm 37 and then I read before it and after it. I am finding peace with reading David's cries to God. Reading about his cries from those who persecute him his enemies who hate him. It's about finding where yo uare in digging in. So did I mention that I received a call this morning they will be garnishing Kyelighs fathers wages for his child support. God hears our cries and he answers our prayers! THANK YOU FATHER GOD!

My Radio Started Speaking to me!!!

So lately I have been filled with much bitterness because, well.... You see Kyeligh's father lives less than a mile away and we have mutual friends okay, more like aquaintances. Anyhow I look at him and his finace (The woman who went in and tore pictures down of my daughter and threw them in the dumpster) and I see how they are cheating the system and scamming the government and they are living it up doing wrong. He doesnt pay his child support and well I can tell you I am counting on it so that I get my kids Christmas presents... however he is months behind and well is pisses me off, and I feel like I want to explode, its not fair, I hate it. I spend so much time being angry about it and well it doesnt hurt them, it just has caused me much stress and anxiety attcks. Sooo today I was driving in my car to go get gas then pick up my girls and on the radio I hear Psalm 37:1 (a ladies voice) and then she read it .... let me post the verse so you too can read it.

Psalm 37
Of David.
1 [a] Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.


WOW!!! YEAH!! "okay God I hear ya, I am convicted, your right and I am wrong" I mean could God not have spoken more clearly to me. Isin't amazing sometimes how he speaks. He speaks through us he spoke through the woman on the radio and I was convicted and most impotantly I listned and then I could wait to get home to read it again and again.

When we put our mind to somthing amazing things can happen!

So I have been looking into this job at the juvenile center and well they would love to have me there but I am one credit short. Can you beleive it one credit short. At first I almost let it get me down and then I realized how far I have come.

You see I dropped out of school when I was 17 and moved in with some friends, slowly started drinking and going to parties and then throwing parties and before you know it we were drinking when we woke up in the morning until we went to sleep at night. All we could think about is more money, more parties...! Well needless to say we all had our falling out so I moved in with my friend Jassica and it was then that her I decided we would could find a local gentlemans club to cocktail waitress at. We were hired on the spot and given our Hot pink leotards and black mini skirts (classy huh?!) I remember it being really weird and uncomfortable at first akward seeing naked girls everywhere, but then as the first week went by I waws seeing how much money they were making and how little work they seemed to be doing. I had the managers in my ears saying "Your so pretty you should dance" along with customers and even the girls who dance. " Your beautiful, fo you know how much money you can make." WOW this was new to me, I never felt pretty, or sexy and I was feeding on these comments. At the time they seemed like there were building my confidence and infact that is how I justified what I was doing. I would say I am sure Gods okay with it cause I am beginning to love myself, I feel pretty for once. WEll.... it wasnt until after an abusive relationship both physical and emotional that I realized it didnt give me confidence it was setting my self worth. It was later in life I would come to see that I had been very premiscuous because I felt that is all I was good for and thats all guys wanted, I was a pretty girl, with a rockin body. I set my self worth there. So this job I thought was builing me up was doing none other than tearing me down. There were no boundaires set, because I was not worth it and I usually had sex very early on in the relationship because "Thats what I was good for". So throughout my messy life I ended up back in MIchigan and it was through the encouragement of my cousin Brooke that I go back to school and so I went to the college and I tested out of some things (never finishing high school) and I went to college so here 2 years later and I have 29 credits with a full time semester ahead of me. I am sooo proud of me, so I wasnt even upset when they said, I needed 1 more credit I was proud and anxious to finish. I have accomplished something that has and is giving me confidence, confidence that is positve. Its funny how when we put our mind to something amazing things can happen!

The bathroom Door closes....

and its like my alarm clock, yet I lie in bed and wait to hear which one of the girls will be up first. They wake up cartoons come on, its time for breakfast and changing Kyelighs diaper. It's the same today as yesterday no plans nothing to do, so broke, stressed, and feeling unappreciated from my family. I go about the morning getting McKenzie ready for school sending her off and then its time for Kyelighs nap. Ahh I have a couple hours to myself so I clean up the house and that only takes about an hour cause thats all I have to do is clean house, make meals. Its this daily routine that I am so bored with, I feel like I am loosing my mind, at breaking point in tears cause I need to feel significant, and yet I dont. I was not made to be a stay at home mother. Its drivingme bonkers I need to keep my mind busy and I need to stay busy, and keep listening to the noise because when it's silent, my hurts sneak up on me, I am reminded of all that is bad in the world today I am annoyed with where I am in life and yet what I long for the most is peace. Because although nothing is going on around me and I can hear the clock.. TICK * TOCK * TICK * TOCK, I am exploding inside with anger and hurt. Stuff I thought was long gone but maybe it was just tucked away and pushed to the side. and then Kyeligh awakes from her nap and McKenzie comes home from school and I begin to start dinner because its all I have to do. It's the worst part of day for me because I am stressed and all the screaming that was going on inside of me is now part of the noise in my home and its just tooo much to handle.... ahh how I long for bedtime for peace until that time arrives and the head starts spinning and thoughts go racing until I finnaly fall asleep and then THe bathroom door closes!

Christmas Countdown

This time of year can be so exciting, and fun and yet it can be very stressful and sad. This time of year is hard for me because I love the sunshine and, well really depend on seeing it everyday. So days with no SUN is like not breathing. So I try to focus on things that make me happy. The excitment McKenzie gets when she wakes up and see's a fresh batch of snow came over night. Putting out my Christmas decorations and Christmas books. Every year I buy a new Christmas book or two and so now we are up to alot and every year I bring them out only around Christmas time and they sit under the tree to read. Then Christmas morning the books are gone and santa has come and presents are there. Its exciting and its like giving your kids gifts before Christmas when really all you are doing is bringing them back. I also love Christmas Eve... but I loved it more when I was a child because I lived in Texas and there was just me and my sisters and parents. Not all the extended family, which dont get me wrong I love but it just has seemed like too much running the last couple years and not enough relaxing and enjoying the time. So this year I made the choice to stay home with Mike and the girls we will eat yummy food and snacks watch Christmas movies and go drive to look at Christmas lights. The girls will get to open a gift (CHristmas PJ's like every year) and I will read them soem Christmas stories and they will go off to bed with excitment of Santa coming. Then Mike and I will hang out and I may finish my wrapping and then when I know the girls are sleeping I will strategically place the gifs under the tree. I cant wait for a nice, quiet, relaxing night at home. I want to enjoy the seasons, so I am taking turns on which families I spend them with and not going to all for every Holiday. I HAVE SET A BOUNDARY (sp??)and if you know my family you will appreciate the boundary I set.

I know God speaks because wow... I just saw the Christmas series this year and hmmmm seems like something I need to see. Funny how God whispers and we dont even know it. First time I saw this series was today just now, hours after this post.

Every Mother who has a daughter....

In today's day. Our children and youth are very obsessed with fame, whats hot and whats not, the top styles, having lots of money, driving only the best cars and having IT ALL. It's scary because for one, we never really have it all and for two, when they think that have it all they are still searching to fill a void, a place that is empty, that brings them saddness and lonliness.
I decided to sit down and watch Brittney Spears:For the Record last night on MTV and what I saw was sadness and what she said was "I am just really sad". It's the perfect tv show to record and have your young teens sit and watch. She can buy anything money can buy, she has millions of fans, she has her dream job but yet she is still sad. What she longs for is a sense of feeling normal, going out with her friends taking a stoll down the street. She wants excitment. She says her life is like the movie groundhogs day, wake up same thing over and over. Everything is planned. She is at times very scared. My heart broke for her and ached for her and yet being the mother of two, like myself she cant take her kids to the park, chuckee cheese, or Mcdonalds playground and thats really all she wants. Times get tough, I drive a car that has its issues, I usually live penny to penny but I am free. She refers to her life as being in a prisoner to her life. It's sad because in a sense she is. To every MOther who has a daughter get this show record it and let them watch it, its real, its sad and all I can think of is this girl needs help. You see soemone on the verge of just Signing OFF!