Growing more and more each day!

Hey guys! I am still fasting my television and I am shocked that I am able to do it. Dont let me give the wrong impression, it has not been easy for me. Infact at night is when I find it the hardest, once the girls go to bed and it is super quiet. I begin to feel lonely and then depressed. You see it's kinda why I quit drinking, or I should say partly. I found that I would go to the bar to have a drink when I was really mad or lonely and super depressed. I was turning my problems over to alcohol, hoping that it would solve them. I realized that was a problem, I realized I should be turning to God. So I guess still instead of surrendering to God in these times, yeah I would turn to him but I would try to mask my problem with watching television. So needless to say it has been hard.
I am involoved in a small group at church in which we are reading this book Boundaries. We are also watching these 10 mintue segments each week from the authors of the book. This last week we also watched a previous sermon segment that Rob Wegner did and it really made me think and then a BRAVE lady, whose name I will not disclose spoke on this subject a little and how it affected her. It was about expectations. Really what I took from it is that expectations is a loose loose situation, both people usuallu end up dissatisfied. For the person trying to fill the expectations, they may feel like a loser, incompetnet or what not and for the person with the expectations I think it really comes down to dissatisfaction and anger. I realized this is what I am doing to my four year old and in several ways. I expect way to much from her, things that four year olds and not even most 10 year olds are expected to do. Because I am always on her on her on her about these expectations, I think I am rasing her to feel "not good enough". Gosh you dont know how this upset me because if you know me, you know that this is a struggle of my own that came after my first bad relationship with her father. Now I am always making sure eveything is always in place, house vaccumed everyday, I have to be the perfect mommy which means I must be room parent, soccer team mom, be at every dance practice, lets not forget that I am single so I am also working full time (not currently) and going to school. I am actually doing better latley with all this because I recognized this to be a problem but I didn't recognize all the expectations for McKenzie that I was holding her to and how that might affect her. Might I add that I have a few single mommy friends and just friends that are mommies and what was I telling them by my actions. Well the underlying message was that to be a good mom they must do all this. I dont really think that they have to do all these things and be perfect to be good mommies, infact these were just standards that I was holding myself to. But what else might it look like to them.
I am working on me, downsizing me. Let me be the first to say, IT IS NOT EASY. But I am learning. Learning to lean on him, learning to surrender completly, learning to let go somtimes. I will get there!!!! Let me just share that Rob talked about how these expectations should be desires, because if you desire these things rather than expect them then you are happy when they get done and I think then youll show gratitude for them being done unlike expectations. When people expect somthing to get done they dont usually show thanks because their mind setting is that they dont need to thank them because it is something that they should be doing. WRONG. Let me also say that positive reinforcement and showing your gratitude shoudl not end once we become adults. Even as adults we need to hear that we are doing a good job and that what we do is appreciated.