My HEART ACHES...

I cannot express the anguish that my heart feels everyday. Although my heart is healing and i am forgiving. The pain is for my daughter Kyleigh, can you imagine living in the same town as your father and him wanting nothing to do with you. I just dont understand it and my heart aches more and more. I just pray that God changes his heart, that he be there for his daughter. I could never be with him again but I still want him to be there for his daughter. I am tired of hearing people say that she is probably better off without him and I politly agree. I mean honestly who is better off without having their father? Or they say she has plenty of people that love her..yes she does but she still needs the love of her father. For McKenzie it was always easy, you know her dad lives in Texas so she just says he lives far far away. As I sit here with tears running down my face I wonder why??? and beg God to change him. I know that he has to want it.
As I sit here so heartbroken for my daughter who's father rejects her I wonder how Mary must have felt that day to see her son crucified on the cross. I have been through alot in my life and would go through all of it all over again if I could save my daughter from the rejection she will feel one day. It's in the pit of my stomach it makes me litteraly sick, there is nothing my daughter could do to deserve this, I guess maybe what God thinks about us... There is nothing we could ever do to not deserve his love. We are his children and we are worth the effort. It makes me so sad it makes me angry. I know waht rejection feels like it hurts, it steals, it somtimes kills. It has been my downfall throughout my life. Rejection in school led me to feel ugly, so I found what I thought made me feel pretty, dancing. It wasnt until after I quit dancing and a couple years later what dancing did to me. It put my self worth at sex appeal, so because that is the way men viewed me, thats how I began to feel, like that was what I was worth. i excepted being treated like used goods and (excuse the phrase) blowup doll to be used and thrown to the side. Then after my ex cheated on me and months of emotional and physical abuse, I left it all. I left it all feeling rejected, and useless. Now with Tim this last time I leave it all behind feeling rejected. How do I end this horrible cycle??? I guess the only relevation I have come to is that I cannot change how other people act, but I can change how I allow them to treat me. I can burn it deep down in my daughters that they matter, that they are worth more, I can teach them to set boundaries, to gaurd their heart. I can teach them to put God first and if they know they matter then they wont allow friends, or boys, or men or their fathers tell them otherwise. THEY MATTER, I MATTER. I pray that I can lead my daughters by example and to stop this ugly cycle that my mother has felt and that I have felt.