Whats GRIPPING ME...

So I was reading the coming up series at church and I am just waiting for the last week of the next series... "fear of Betrayal".

You see I am not sure where it began, if I was always this way or not. I dont remember it being this way until after my first relationship gone sour and now even worse after the second. You see my first real relationship was the love of my life, or so I thought at the time and my oldest daughters father. I couldnt imagine being without him, so when he cheated on me... I was devastated. At the end of our relationship I found out all the times he cheated on me with this girl and one night was even the night we had our daughter. I allowed his friends to take him out for a quick congradulatory drink and he never came back, in fact I was in the hospital 5 days cause my daughter had an allergy to mile and he never came. I remember feeling as though my world was crashing down, but he had all the right excuses amd even if he didnt I wanted to believe him. My second daughters father told me all the right things, but again I was cheated on. So now here I am in this relationship with Mike whom I love and care about deeply and I KNOW he feels the same but I cannot get away from the fear that he might cheat on me. It's really to the point where I think I may sabatoge my relationship because its driving him and myself crazy. As quick as I start to put reality in to check that he is not, its like the devil runs new thoughts in my head. Its HORRIBLE. It a has a grip on me like you would not belive, stress, depression, anxiety, anger and lonliness all being a result of this FEAR of BETRAYAL. How do I stop???? I am clueless but it is making me crazy.

Different is not always easy!

I was driving to my school today to register for classes and I saw on my right side of the road Corn Growing.... So tall and looking ready to be picked and cooked and enjoyed then I look over to my left side a field of soy growning with a random stalk of corn growing. The corn with the soy was so much smaller, not near ready to be picked, infact I am not sure it will even produce this season. It kinda made me think about how we as people are kinda like that. we tend to grrow with what we surround ourselves with.....hmmm does that mean that I as a Christian cannot have christian friends and still be a christian and grow... definantly not but looking at the corn field I see what I could be how much stronger I could be I may even produce seeds to spread myself. Hmmmm How am I growing? What am I producing??? Am I okay with where I am at.... am I growing???? Sure I am Christian, I have a personal relationship with Christ I talk to him and I hear him speak... but where could I be???? Are we just to settled with WHERE WE ARE....??????