what are you leaning on???

So I decided to do what me and my ex use to do in Texas. Commercial cleaning... well I got my first contract...way cool. I started this last weekend and well on Sunday morning early on my way back home to get ready for church I heard the past from Nappanee Missionary Church and he was talking about something my aunt and I had been disgussing. All these self help books... sure there are some that are great!! But there are alot that are not so great. They try to tell you that there is a way to live a full life without God. NO maybe not by saying that blunt but they tell you things like just look at your goals and invision them happening and they will or just ignore your problems and you will glide right by. Or as the pastor at Nappanee Missionary put it... He said, imagine you are going to swim to hawaii and from California... so you begin training all you can ... and as you begin swimming you start to realize your not going to make it. All of a sudden a person in a boat comes up and they tell you just know you can get there and look at the end , just imagine yourself doing it and the prize at the end. So you begin swimming and realize you still wont make it. SO another boat comes up and the person says.... See those big waves... your just imagineing them...they are not a problem just act as though they are not there and keep swimming.
Okay so that is about what I heard and what I took from it was you know swimming from cali to hawaii is impossible ALONE. Kinda like eternal life, overflowing joy, real love, true happiness without God..these self help books are not going to make you happy and the truth is, this is what they advertise. They are trying to sell to all of us broken people the "key" or "secret" hmmm the truth is there are waves and they wont be easy, somtimes we wont get what we want but through Christ Jesus we are promised eternal life, a life of abundance, we can have joy overflowing, peace, happiness, and find love like no other. I will admit to you that I am guilty of buying "self help" books that lean on everything but "living through Christ". It is scary to see someone who millions look up to reccomend a new age book. Where they try to lead people to happiness and living a full life without God. Sad thing is as a Christian I know that life is not going to be pur bliss and this is what everyone is longing for. What do I lean on??? am I leaning on God??? I know I am guily for trying to find the 12 steps to sheer happiness.... hmm but somehow I know it just doesnt work that way. What are you leaning on?

April is Child Abuse Awareness month...

So I have been asked to join the Child Assesment Center's Beneft Concert Commitee. The benefit concert is working on its 2nd annual and hopefully many more to come, concerts. The money raised goes to the Child Abuse Assessment center here in my community, my town. They find out if a child is being abused physically, emotionally, or sexually.. they do counseling and they also help work with the county in pressing charges. Anyhow the Man... Roger Johnson that started last year is the local bar owner my old boss. When I use to work for him I always planned events so that we could draw more business in. He called me up about three weeks ago because he said I always have great ideas. I REALLY ENJOY doing this kind of stuff.... planning, coming up with ideas... working in the community. So I said yes I would be on the committee. It is also for a great cause. Last Night we had our first meeting it went great and we have our headliner band picked out and we have our opening acts.... kinda planned. It really has to be thought out... music that everyone likes, people who have a following, and people who want to GIVE their time. All the proceeds go to the Assesment center except for our speakers and sound eqiupment we will rent for the show. Last year they raised 12,000 dollars and there were 500 people. $10.00 a ticket and then we sell sposorships and give businesses the opportunity to donate. We are hoping to double the amount of people and money. Wouldnt that be AWESOME. The center also has a wish list and so I came up the idea of on everything that we advertise we put the wish list and anyone who brings something from the wishlist will get a raffle ticket for drawings... I am sure amazing gifts will come out of it too, the local businesses are really good at getting involved.
Anyways I am really excited because I love doing this kind of stuff and I feel like I need to do something in my own community. Domestic Violence is somthing I have experienced first hand...not as a child but as an adult and so I really want to make sure we can make a differnece and help somewhere. Not only is it a benefit but it is also to raise awareness. Please keep this project in your prayers....

Thankful

I am blessed!

McKenzie is 5!!!

I cannot believe that my little McKenzie is going to be 5 tomorrow. She is just getting so big and she is so smart... not to metion beautiful!!! For her birthday this past weekend I took McKenzie and Cali and Hannah to Chuckee Cheese then we went shopping for jewelry then we went to see Horton Hears a who. The movie was good but since it was late at night when we saw it the girls were a little restless. Cali was on my lap and McKenzie resting on my shoulder by the end of the movie. So when we got home it was bedtime. The next morning Hannah went home and Me and McKenzie and Cali and Kyleigh all went church and then olive garden to eat afterwords. It was a little girls weekend for sure because Cali and McKenzie had a cheer clinic to go to from to 2-4:30. At the end they put on a show and it was too cute!!!! All in All it was a great weekend. We are celebrating McKenzies birthday with family on Easter.
Besides that there is not to much new. Kyleigh is doing great, running, climbing, talking. She is such a mommies little girl. She loves to cuddle. Funny thing is she looks so much like her dad...at least that is what all his friends say. Can you believe that McKenzie only weighs 32 pounds and Kyleigh 22. My how they grow so fast. Time flys when your having fun!!!

Stressful day to say the least.

So late last night I started getting phone calls, wondering how Tim (kyleighs dad) was doing. Funny they think I would know. He has made sure to avoid us since last July. The only stuff I know is from his best friends and the people around town. Well He had his MS stike back last week on his 30th birthday and couldnt feel his legs. Tim has been paralized from the neck down before and has gone through MS at its worst but he was blessed to come out of it... so since this was happening he was going to the hospital to get his steroid shots. They are to help fight the MS. For those of you who do not know what MS is... it is a disease where the spine deteriates but also there is damage to the myelin sheath...so basically the dignals that go to your brain to tell it how to works..well the signals stop getting there. Yesterday morning Tim went into the hospital his Pancrease was said to be failing. he seems to be doing a little bit better but is in alot of pain and it is very dangerous. Since I had not talked to Tim since July, when I have people calling me because they were not giving him much time.... I kinda FREAK. I have had an Ex that passed away and even if you are not with them it hurts real bad. I have lost a lot of friends growing up in fact... one friend every from 7th grade through high school. Then I had a 4 year break and lost my uncle and then Ryan my Ex, so loosing someone to death isint something new to me but loosing someone who I had once been intimate with was so I still suffer alot from that one. Everyday I think about Ryan and think the what ifs. Needless to say when I was hearing all this about Tim...I was so scared cause he had not yet mended a relationship with his daughter and well I wanted him to know I cared about him and I was worried I wanted him to know that I did not hate him. Yes I am very heart broken by the choice he is making to not be a part of his life but I dont hate him. So after talking to his brother today and finding out that he is doing alright but is in alot of pain I decided I was going to call him. So I called and he answered..sounding terrible and I said "Tim, please dont hang up the phone and listen. This is Miki and I just wanted to say that I am worried about you and I care about you, I am so sorry you are going through this and I am praying for you. I also wanted to let you know I dont hate you. I care so much about you." He said Thanks and then I said I could tell he was not feeling well and I would let him go so he said bye.
I NO matter what I have done if God could pick up a telephone and call me when I am down I think he would do the same. He wouldnt remind me of my wrongs, we wouldnt scorn me but he would say " I am here, I am always here. I love you so much, I hurt when you hurt and I want nothing more than for your pain and hurting to stop. I have forgiven you so let it go, dont you know you can always count on me." Please pray for Tim. Pray that see Gods love for him, pray that he revive his relationship with all three of his daughters.

My how times change or do they....

I am really excited I just found out more info on the womens retreat at my church. Last year was a blast...wait two years ago...becuase last year there was not one anyhow. Funny how that week played out for me. I had went to the womens retreat and was telling my aunt and couzin and friend how I was making life changes and I was going to stop having sex out of wedlock and that I was going to end a relationship that was headed anywhere but up. Had a GREAT weekend but MAJOR heartburn. Well it was not until I got back and we were having a candle light vigil for my uncle and I realized the month was well about over and my lady stuff had not came and visited me... and then it dawned on me, I never had heart burn except when I was pregnant with McKenzie. So I took a test at my couzins house and sure enough....PREGNANT. To make matters worse I drive over to tell Tim and to my amazement he had his ex girlfriend at his house. My heart broke... he treated me like crap and then we reconciled. Now here I am about two years later and well he has not seen his daughter since July 2007. My heart is so broken and not for me but my daughter. I am trying to learn how to heal these wounds but it seems so much harder than any wounds I have ever had. It brings so much more insight on what God did ...Gave his son and watched him beaten brutally and yet I am having the hardest time dealing with the idea that my daughter is going to grow up 10 miles from her father and he wants nothing to do with her. Saying all of that Tim has MS and recently was admitted into the hospital because he cannot feel his legs. He has been paralized from the nexk down before. When I hear the news my heart breaks for him...I worry about how he must be feeling and I am not really sure why I am feeling this way??? In fact some of my friends have said "good" or "he deserves it" and "what goes around comes around" ...but this is not what I want. I just want my daughter to have a father who loves her and cherishes her. Keep him in your prayers.

Sometimes I just dont know how to heal the wounds.... .Do they ever really go away? I dont know but I do know that although my heart is so broken I find peace when I just turn to him. What does that look like???? For me, putting in my worship cd and somtimes singing, somtimes crying and sometimes praying.

my new job

So it is funny how we get ourself into positions (like me not having a job) and then after a mess God finds a place to use us. OKay sure God can use us anywhere but alot of the time, I find myself wondering how he will use me. At my new job there are 4 very different people that I know need God, they are carrying burdens all very different burdens but you can tell there is alot of hurt. I have had 3 of the 4 open up to me today, all at different times. The hotel that I am working at is very slow right now so most of the day I am the only person there besides seeing a random housekeeper or Maitnance guy or gal or what not. God has me there to show these people compassion by listening to them and to treat them like gold. What does that look like to treat someone like Gold?? Well the way you would treat those you love the most, and without judgement with an open heart, meeting them where they are. For instance my first day one of my coworkers wasa telling a story and there were a couple curse words in her sentence. She was talking to the guy that was training me but after she said her peice to him she stops and says "oh I am so sorry are you super religous..you know, you never know these days" I respond I am a christian but you are fine dont worry about it.
No maybe I dont like cursing but I am not going to say I never do it, but I try not to but I just want these people to know I dont care what they have done or where they are.. I am going to treat them like GOLD. Please keep them in your prayers...their lives are nothing near easy and they are humans with VERY broken spirits. It brings me to tears to think about each one and their pain they are going through and these are people I have known less than a week but they matter to God and they matter to me.

Dont you love...

... to see people blessed. I love watching Extreme HOME makeover. My favortie part is when they move the bus when they show the faimly and their excitment it brings me to tears everytime. Happy tears, tears of joy. I love to see people being blessed. I love ABC sunday nights for extreme makeover and now the Big Give...not for the homes or for the people competeing on the big give but I love to see people being blessed. I get the lump in my throat and then tears come streaming down my face because it feels good. I talk alot about how my passion is people and it really is some simple things that can just fill my heart with joy and my eyes with tears. I remember months ago or maybe it has been a year... anyways I remember walking in late to church and at first I was a bit flustered because I hate to be late. You know I am always in the first three rows, because I like to be close and because I am easily distracted and I want no distractions however being late that day was the best distraction God intended. I remember walking in and standing at the back and there was either a video or a skit so the lights were low. When the lights are low at church they have you wait to go to your seat until the lights go up. So I began watching whatever it was that was going on ad was distracted by ALL THE PEOPLE. I know everyone says it is a big church and I know it is but when I am there and I am in my seat I dont feel that it is all that big and that can be a good thing and a bad thing. I wasnt thinking about everyone there and as I began to look around in my distraction I saw so many people, so many ethnicities, all kinds of people all ages and started wondering... what is going on in there lives? I just remember looking around and wondering...is that couple having relationship problems or seeing a man sit alone.. is he widowed and heart broken or seeing a lady with an older child wondering if she was going throug life with the struggles of being a single mother. You get the point I didnt just see bodies, I saw lives, I saw people that matter to God each and every one of them not one more or less than the other. My eyes were opened and I was filled with joy to see all these people but also was saddened.. I am not sure why I think because I know that we are all humans and we all go through struggles in our lives and I just wanted every life I saw to realize how much they matter. I know it may sound a bit cliche but what is somthing that you can do that may seem simple to put a smile on someones face or make their load a little lighter. I have been blessed in my life so many times by so many people and I may not be able to do anything huge but I can do small things. It feels good to see people blessed, why?? Maybe because I know how much these people matter to God.

Watching the Big Give..... One lady after given a car and 2,000 dollars for school she said "to think that someone thought I mattered enough"

Then after a group of ladies with aids was taken out for a day at the spa and out ladies show much gratitude and there were tears of joy but the one lady said "I feel so blessed"

3 familes of Christ... 2 places of worship... 1 mission.

So it has been a couple days that I have written... I am getting use to going to bed early and waking up early. However I really really like it. So I work in a hotel and right across from the front desk is the banquet room. On Saturadays they have two churches that rent the room one at like 11 and one at 1:30. So here is the thing the first one is seventh day advetist and the second one is an all black very gospel church. Okay now I am sure that there are differences from the church I go to and these churches.. I think that all the different Christian church denominations has misinterpretations of the Bible somewhere. We wont know everything until the day we meet Christ face to face. But we are all working for one thing to know him more, to grow closer to Christ, to lead others to him, we are longing to live in his image. I noticed as I watched everyone going into their church fellowship and then when they were leaving something really cool. I saw people who looked tired, stressed, flustered, or just there... not necessarily unhappy but there but for each church two different "church cultures" I saw them leaving with JOY written oon their faces. Why is a bit of heaven on earth?? Hmmm makes you think what if we made "Thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven"? What if that is how we lived our lives everyday??? not just when we went to church? We took our sorrows and turned them into joy, we took our stress and turned it into peace???? But how....I have been thinking about it this afternoon and I thought about it a bit you know what brought a smile to my face today...seeing two different churches from mine.... listenng to their messages from across the lobby... hearing the praises they sing and I knowing that we are on the same mission. A mission to live like Christ in his image and to be the salt of the world.

I am so looking forward to hearing the messages every Saturday while I am there and listening to their praise and worship. I think this is a blessing God is giving me, atleast I feel blessed. Now I ask God..why am I there?? I beleive that God puts places at different times in our lives for purpose. Hmmmm..... I am thinking it is as simple as living in Christs image and showing compassion, kindness and having joy. Make them see God in me, make them want what I have.... a relationship with Christ. Isint God so amazing...... Look what I was blessed with today 3 families of Christ at only two places of worship and all on ONE mission. To live as God has commanded us!

Clear things up and my new job

So I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has kept me and my job situation, in their prayers. I feel as though I may need to clear things up a little. First let me say that I have great friends and family who look out for me and are there for me no matter what. They also give great advice and "keep it real". That being said I want to be clear on something.... when I left my job I had planned on putting in a two weeks notice and when they caught wind of that they let me go. Because I was in a situation that was really bad, I made an irrational choice of saying that I was putting in my two weeks before I had another job lined up. So when they let me go two days later, I was a little shocked. Now the choice was irrational and kinda dumb now that I look back (with the help from a friend) and I should have had a job lined up before I put in my two weeks. I have two kids to take care of and it is not fair for me to make irrational decisions like this because my children count on me. So please dont let me lead anyone who may be reading these blogs in the wrong direction. I should have had a job lined up before I left... yes I trusted that God would lead me to a job and he did, however somtimes our plans and what we want are not what God wants. You know we look at them as unanswered prayers but usually later in life see why they were not answered. Thanks to my friends and family for keep me your prayers. I start work at the hotel on Wednesday and I will be working from 7-3.

Okay God you can step in anytime

so I am still trusting God has a job for me. I DO believe it but I would be lying if I said I dont start to worry here and there. I mean really, my rent is now due in 13 days and I have not a penny to spare infact I was one penny overdrawn and my bank threw me a nice thirty seven dollars and fifty cents overdraft fee, for a penny. Yes I am going to call them. Anyways my point is that I have bills piling up and I do worry but when I begin to worry, I have to stop myself and and literlly say "Okay Miki stop worrying, God has always provided for you."
So I have been really having to practice trust and funny how my devotional that I read has been on trust for like the last two weeks...coincedence? I think not. So here I am trusting God, filling out apps and sending in resumes and not knowing where and when I am going to get that job but just constantly reminding myself that I dont need to worry about it.


Okay guys here is something I want you to pray about.... a friend of mine was telling me about this discipleship traning. It is actually with YWAM you go away to one of the training schools and there are severl different places.... Orlando, Hawaii and Austrailia are the three I know about. The cool thing is that single parents can go and take there kids. It is for three months and then after the three months the girls and myself would be sent somewhere...such as Africa, Isreal, India, Mexico...and ect. I think it would be a wonderful way to sereve and amazing experience however it is somthing that I would do probaly in a year cause Kyleigh would be a little older. please pray about this.