Did I really think that?

I can't believe that thought just ran through my head. I just got out of the hospital for a ruptured cyst on my ovary and was told I didn't get the new job Director of Young Life benton harbor and this was like a dream job. Serving "my kids" hours where I can see my girls more I can invest more into serving at church. How could this not be Gods plan for me? Then my phone rings from someone I have not spoken to in a long time. How did he get my number? It was my daughters father. He spoke to me in such a demeaning way, he put anxiety and fear over me and I was allowing this. I can't have heat until I can pay my gas bill, my cable is currently shut off because I can not afford it and therefor school work is not getting done and it just all added up. Then there it was the thought "I just wish I were dead".

I felt my world collapsing around me and yet I felt God really using me so much at this time in my life and I was on fire serve him and know him more. That feeling of I cannot get enough!!! Then all this. Why God? Then it dawned and me and although I didn't believe it in the moment I said I choose joy. The devil will not steal my joy. Our thoughts and words are so powerful so I wanted to speak pleasing things to God and let the devil know I know he is trying to destroy me and I will or allow it. My heart is taken and I was paid for with a price. But that doesn't mean it's easy. The devil comes to kill steal and destroy. Rest assure I am jot suicidal and I love life but in the moment everything seemed much and too much to handle but God quickly made his voice heard and reminded me that I don't have anything to fear and worry.