You mean I cant have everything under control??

It all started really at a very young age, my desire to control a situation, to take the lead. Long before I can remember but according to my mother. When I can really remember it is when I was about 12. I shared a room at this time with my sisters who are 6 and 8 years younger than I am. I can remember it like it was yesterday I had positioned my bed in the room so that on the other side I had about 3 feet to the wall this was my space, my bedspread was like a white lace needless and I'm gonna say 99 percent of the time you would find my bed made, everything in its place on my side of the room. Of course at 12 my room was clean because I thought I was a good housekeeper. However this continued for years. When we moved to Texas I had my own room, I got organized and found the perfect spot for each of my things, once I found a place for an item that is where it belonged. If fact it belonged in that exact place so much that if it was moved out of its place even just a little I would feel anxious, so much so that until it was put back in its place that's all I could think of. I would have friends over and then secretly wish they were gone cause they were crowding my space there things were making my space seem out of place. I always just dealt with it, it was never easy. I would often have anxiety attacks if I could not control my enviroment. By the time I was 17 I moved out and I found that I would repetitively clean off counters, counters that had just been wiped down 15 minutes prior. I wanted to see the lines from vacumming. But you see at this time there was a lot of other things in life going on, I had dropped out of school, began to party, drink often and eventually drugs came into the equation, I felt my life spinning out of control and the only thing I had control over, so I thought was my enviroment. I can't remember the exact age I was prescribed paxil, I had taken it for a while except I hated it. I felt not me, strange, sometimes as if I had no emotion. So I got off paxil. I started reading my bible more and trusting God, I also started to tell myself I cannot control everything, and I learned better how to control myself. It's a constant struggle I find when life gets stressful or overwhelming I begin to freak about my home enviroment, my car, it gives me control. What I need to remember is God is in control and if I give it to him, I will be okay, I will survive in the times I feel I am breaking. I hand control of to Him!